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Musings [Dec. 7th, 2006|07:23 pm]
Help when you need it most...
Darkness has clouded my vision for quite some time,
only now has the veil been lifted.
I have gone deeper into that Darkness and,
Battled the Demons that dwell there.
I emerge, not broken , not beaten, but stronger.
The blood that I see is cleansing and
I feel free because of it.
I reach into my pockets and
drop the razorblades on the ground.
Hopefully to never look at them
or feel their loving caress upon my flesh again.
I am strong, I am free,
I AM ME...
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(no subject) [Nov. 7th, 2006|09:26 pm]
Help when you need it most...
I seem to be falling again back into the darkness and I am not sure if I want it to stop. When I allow the demons free reign nothing can hurt me, I am the one infllicting the pain. The rational being if I hurt you first then you can't hurt me... Not being hurt is something that I wish for all the time. Whether it means not hurting myself by cutting or by having someone hurt me with their actions. There are so many things that I am afraid I will never see, suicide is always there, a demon that I can never seem to shake. Maybe if I never tried it before then I wouldn't worry about it now. It's like Death is just waiting for me now, as if I have been singled out to him and there is now Las Vegas style odds on whether or not I will do it again. I can see it now God/Allah/Jehovah/Buddah whatever you call him along with Lucifer/Satan/The Devil and Death are sll sitting around a card table playing with my life... Now there would be a picture worth painting...
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X Posted [Sep. 15th, 2006|06:43 pm]
Help when you need it most...
Dreams spiraling out into nightmares. I try to scream but nothing comes out. I wrap my arms around myself in the hopes of holding it all together. As I look around little pieces of me keep falling, to be carried away by the river of tears that flows below me. My reflection disgusts me, I shatter the mirrorand use the pieces to make myself into the fractured image that is left staring back at me...
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X posted from my journal. [Sep. 14th, 2006|08:27 pm]
Help when you need it most...
You look in the mirror, what do you see? Are all of your scars visible, is the blood still running freely. Why do this to yourself. Is your self loathing/self hatred so strong that cutting ribbons of your flesh off is the only way you can feel...

Life, for me it really is more like a life sentence. Solitude which to most is a comfort or luxurythat they don't get enough of becomes my own personal HELL. The quieter it is the louder the DEMONS clamor for my attention. Sleep which for most is a BLESSING becomes for me tortured nightmares of my own destruction by my own hands. I AM SO AFRAID.

You walk past me and flinch, or cringe, as if I might be contagious. Don't worry my scars will not infect you with the need to cut. Your pointing, whispering, and disgusted looks do more to destroy me now than the razorblades I carry in my pockets...

Rivers of blood flowing down my arms.
Trails of tears down my face.
The pain of both break my heart.
Leaving me to see what I have really become.
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(no subject) [Sep. 10th, 2006|06:15 pm]
Help when you need it most...

Last night was bad. I mean really bad.

I was waiting for jarrod to get home because he closed and we had an evening planned. He always gets mad if I fall asleep, so I waited up. He got home at about 1:15am, and was already angry. This time it wasn't over my Myspace (he doesn't know about my LJ), but over the fact I kept a journal. Yes, regular paper and pen notebook journal. He was screaming at me about how that is keeping things from him and avoiding him. I had been up all night, looking foward to our evening plans, and he does this to me.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. But he stood there blocking it, and shoved me back if I tried to get by. I finally tried to push him out of the way. He picked me up, carried me over to the couch, and slammed me down onto it. With a normal couch this wouldn't have hurt, but on a reclining couch it hurts like hell when your spine hits the metal part in the middle. I tried to scream, but he pinned me down and put his elbow on my throat to shut me up. Not enough to choke, but enough that I couldn't talk. Things just kept getting worse from there.

He's at work right now, but I'm still too scared to leave. I hurt all over from last night. I just feel numb. I caught myself thinking that if I just killed myself now, then I wouldn't have to deal with him tonite, tommorrow, or ever again. I'd finally be free. I know thats not the answer, but it keeps coming back to me. The idea of freedom is almost overwhelming. But its still not the answer. If I cut myself, he'll see it when he gets home and things will get bad again. Everytime I do it, he threatens to take me to the asylum right then. No one in my family knows how bad things have gotten. I don't know what to do anymore. My friends don't understand, they all have happy marriages and engagements. They don't know what its like to wake up in hell every single day of your life. To think that everything in hopeless. I don't have anywhere to go.

I consider this to be my support group. Until liquidfears99 happened across my LJ, I didn't know there was anyone that understood. I'm thankful for that. If it hadn't have happened, I may very well have given up by this point. Its still hard not to. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that someone I've never even met cares about what I do. Life is strange like that, I guess. You can't tell what will happen from day to day. So I keep going, in hopes that tommorrow will be better against all my expectations. It's all you really can do.
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Suicide Calling, anybody home [Sep. 9th, 2006|09:59 pm]
Help when you need it most...
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |Scooter Ward "My Heart"]

Here I am another night listening to My Heart by Scooter Ward over and over again, although tonight my sadness does not stem from this song, it comes from the fact that Melissa(BTW that is my ex/current/not anymore girlfriend), you might remember that I stated we were going to do the friend thing and that we were spending time together etc.... Well today she calls me and says that we need to talk, (yeah I know what you're thinking cause so was I) so I know that this can't be good, Kinda like all those people on Maury Povich who go on to tell a devastating secret or some such shit, like I would ever agree to go on to a show like that, but I digress. So I say sure, I really wanted to see her anyway. We hook up around noon and go get something to eat. You know the scene, crowded restuarant people all around yadda yadda yadda. I guess that she really thought by taking me to a place where there would be a fair amount of people around would lessen the pain or maybe it would make her feel stronger, or maybe she just didn't think at all. She tells me after the food arrives of course that she is seeing somebody and that he doesn't like her spending all this time with me like she has been. He thinks that it is unhealthy for her to be around someone like me all the time like I am contagious or something. And here is the KICKER, she BELIEVES him. Its as if all the shit that she has been telling me for the last year or so has all been a LIE... To say that I am devastated is an understatement... I so want to hurt myself, but more than that I want to hurt HIM, I want to hurt HER, I know that if I really hurt myself right now she would think that it was all her fault and it would really mess her up but I will not allow her to have that much influence over me... I HATE HER, I HATE HIM I guess now is a good time for them to feel my pain but I know that they will never begin to feel what it is like to be me, no one will... Why do I even try to be normal, I will never fit in to anything, I see no way out of this existence, and there is nothing really for me to live for. Hell I think even my Dad would be better off without me. At least then he might be able to get on with his life. He doesn't even date really, and I know that it is because he is ashamed of me and he doesn't want the women that e likes to see his emotionally and physically scarred son. I am an embarrassment to everyone I know. Why do I even care...
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2006|01:04 pm]
Help when you need it most...
at my therapy session today mark suggested that it might be a good idea for me to go into a hospital. i am a little shocked about that, but on some level i feel like he could be right. i had no idea that i was that fucked up. has anyone here ever been in a hospital program? what was it like? did it help you at all? i just don't know what is right anymore.
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Just thought I would share.. [Sep. 8th, 2006|09:29 pm]
Help when you need it most...

[Current Location |In A Daze]
[Current Mood |annoyedI Dont Know]

One day this week I was feeling kinda depressed and starting looking on youtube.com for videos on eating disorders, self harm, drug abuse...well you get the picture...

For 3 hours I sat by my computer watching all kinds of videos of all kinds of things I have either done myself or heard of others doing....I felt sick...I was like...is this me? Why am I doing this to myself? What have I ever done to make my self wanna do this??? Then I cried....yes for the first time in LJ history I am telling you I cried...not b/c of what I have done or what I have did but b/c I was scared. Scared for myself....scared for others...I was just scared...

I didnt harm my self not once that day nor did I think about it...I just kept thinking what are we gonna do to make this stop...to make all this pain go away...what are we gonna do?


X-posted from my LJ
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(no subject) [Sep. 6th, 2006|08:54 pm]
Help when you need it most...

They say that bleeding to death is like drowning in a way. Your body doesn't get the oxygen it needs and you just fall asleep and never wake up. It sounds peaceful to me. Just falling asleep for good.

I talked to my ex to figure out what I'm doing wrong. His opinion is that I brought this upon myself. What is it that I'm doing that drives everyone I love to treat me so badly? What?? What personality flaw do I have that causes all this pain? Its always my fault. Always what I've done wrong.. Thats all I'm ever going to be, because no one's going to let me let go of the past. People change. But I'm always remebered in the worst light possible. Too bitchy, too coldhearted, too emotional. No matter who I become, I can't make anyone happy. Let alone myself.

I wish I could just fade away.
Just disappear.
Just die.
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X posted in my journal [Sep. 7th, 2006|09:31 pm]
Help when you need it most...
[Current Location |home]
[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |The Witch - My Heart]

So I am listening to a new song by The Witch (Scooter Ward from Cold) called My Heart(on MySpace) over and over again, the song is really evoking within me a deep and profound sadness, he is a really great Song Writer in my opinion. and I had to get that out. Tell me what songs really get to you?

Flaw "My Letter", "Whole", "Best I Am", "Medicate", "Recognize" , "Wait for Me", "Final Cry"

Five Bolt Main "The Gift" , "Broken Compass"

Cold "Anatomy of a Tidal Wave" , "A Different Kind of Pain" , "God's Song", "Suffocate" , "Cure my Tragedy", "Don't Belong" , "Wasted Years"

Crossfade "Starless" , "Cold" , "Colors"

this just scratches the surface of songs that touch me... do any of them touch you?
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