||[Sep. 10th, 2006|06:15 pm]
Help when you need it most...
Last night was bad. I mean really bad. |
I was waiting for jarrod to get home because he closed and we had an evening planned. He always gets mad if I fall asleep, so I waited up. He got home at about 1:15am, and was already angry. This time it wasn't over my Myspace (he doesn't know about my LJ), but over the fact I kept a journal. Yes, regular paper and pen notebook journal. He was screaming at me about how that is keeping things from him and avoiding him. I had been up all night, looking foward to our evening plans, and he does this to me.
I couldn't take it anymore, so I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. But he stood there blocking it, and shoved me back if I tried to get by. I finally tried to push him out of the way. He picked me up, carried me over to the couch, and slammed me down onto it. With a normal couch this wouldn't have hurt, but on a reclining couch it hurts like hell when your spine hits the metal part in the middle. I tried to scream, but he pinned me down and put his elbow on my throat to shut me up. Not enough to choke, but enough that I couldn't talk. Things just kept getting worse from there.
He's at work right now, but I'm still too scared to leave. I hurt all over from last night. I just feel numb. I caught myself thinking that if I just killed myself now, then I wouldn't have to deal with him tonite, tommorrow, or ever again. I'd finally be free. I know thats not the answer, but it keeps coming back to me. The idea of freedom is almost overwhelming. But its still not the answer. If I cut myself, he'll see it when he gets home and things will get bad again. Everytime I do it, he threatens to take me to the asylum right then. No one in my family knows how bad things have gotten. I don't know what to do anymore. My friends don't understand, they all have happy marriages and engagements. They don't know what its like to wake up in hell every single day of your life. To think that everything in hopeless. I don't have anywhere to go.
I consider this to be my support group. Until liquidfears99 happened across my LJ, I didn't know there was anyone that understood. I'm thankful for that. If it hadn't have happened, I may very well have given up by this point. Its still hard not to. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that someone I've never even met cares about what I do. Life is strange like that, I guess. You can't tell what will happen from day to day. So I keep going, in hopes that tommorrow will be better against all my expectations. It's all you really can do.